facing the darkness

i havent been here in a while.
and thats because i have nothing to say.

well.
thats a lie.

i have A TON to say. many thoughts run loops in my head.
but few coherent sentences actually make it out.

at times like these, i wish they would invent an actual "mindreader"....
it would be this hat that you put on your head and it would translate your thoughts out loud through a little speaker on the side.
but only in the nicest way possible and only when you wanted your thoughts put into words.

i try to talk it out with big sister. she is a good listener. but i know we both get tired of saying the same thing all the time. sometimes we speak for each other. its like i wear her mindreader to school and she puts on mine before work...

even now. i dont know what i am saying.
its just been a difficult semester. i have questioned alot of things that i thought were un-shakable. only to find out that they have moved far away from my reach....
or perhaps i have moved. maybe i am looking at them from another angle.

but i keep comfort in the fact that this is a season, like many others that i have been through.
it will pass. with it will come a newfound appreciation for what i know, a deep sense of gratitude for those who love me while i am in this and a better understanding of God; the one who has been here all along.

i am reading a book called a grace disguised.
i have only read a chapter. because it is about walking through the process of grieving.

one lady wrote this about the book, "I chased the sun and found no strength until i turned and faced the darkness."

dont you just love that? facing the darkness of doubt, anger, fear, grief and so many questions.
i am getting ready to open that floodgate; to let this pain pour out.
and let God come in.