you know when you leave a place?
you start to get that feeling that you are leaving something behind.
and you make a mad scramble to go to places you have never been and try something new in efforts to contain the tide of your runaway emotions.

i dont feel that way.

the 6 years i have spent in california have been more than i could have hoped for. and far exceeded whatever frail expectations i had when i left new york.

i wont leave california with a list of regrets. things i wish i had done. places i wanted to visit.
my time here has been so full.
and through each beautiful snapshot i have, each tall green palm tree, each friend in a different city, each hot drive down a freeway, each beach day in the sand, each precious child i have held,
a little more of myself came into focus.

in california i have,
conquered fears that i didnt know crippled me. loved people i didnt think i would like. had opportunities that only come once. thrown cation to the wind. and seized precious moments.
and in california, i knew when it was time to go.

before my grandmothers funeral two years ago, sis introduced me to the movie elizabethtown.
though i put off watching it until then, it has become one of my favorite movies.

one of the main characters claire colburn says this,

sadness is easier because its surrender. i say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free.

i know there will be moments of complete panic. wintery days where i look for beams of sunlight. the restlessness of adjustment. the frustration of long distance. the uncertainty of the future.
but i also anticipate moments of contentment. of settling into something that was once familiar and isnt yet worn.

you know when you leave a place?

that feeling that you are leaving something behind?
well you are.
wonderful beautiful irreplaceable friends.

and instead of embracing the sadness, i choose to dance:
into the change
into the adventure
and know they shall be with me...

...one hand waving free.