I don't put any faith in horoscopes. That's my disclaimer. But, the horoscope section of The Onion? It makes me laugh. Here's a sampling. I hope it brings a little humor to your Tuesday morning:
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Thanks to a series of unfortunate turns, you'll soon become the only man ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but just when it looks as though you'll finally get an opportunity to do so, they'll feed you in head first.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too.
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